YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
