my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
