So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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