Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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