I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
