Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
