If i come over, it means nothing
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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