were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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