His pubic hair was longer than his dick
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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