i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
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