sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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