my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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