Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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