I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
