Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
