My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Randomize
