I wish I could punch you in the face.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
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