Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
