The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
