So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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