My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
