i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
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