My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
