i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
