I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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