I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
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