He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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