The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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