Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
