i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
