if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
