Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
the condom got lost in my hair
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
