Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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