you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
