Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
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