i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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