I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
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