i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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