May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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