he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Randomize
