The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
