you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
