ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
