Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
