Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
