My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
My balls are so social today.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
