i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
