if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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