why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
