yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
