In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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