I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
